A/N: Humour fic. Just...don't take this too seriously. 'Kay?
Oh, man.
I’m going to die. Right here, right now. I’m going to die. All this time I’ve spent worrying over kryptonite being the one chink in my armour and, apparently, there’s been a more effective way to kill me all along.
Just put me, shirtless, in a room with my naked lover and a big bowl of strawberries, with my best buddy staring on in abject horror.
That’ll do it.
Oh, man. The blood’s rushing to my head so fast, I think I’m going to explode. That’s how they’ll find my body. Decapitated and still blushing bright red. I’ll probably still have a hard-on even then. Jeez! Go down! Don’t you get what’s going on here?
My brains will be splattered all over the walls and Pete’ll be pulled from the room by the EMTs, muttering “Disgusting. Disgusting. I had no idea he was a queer.”
Oh, man.
“Pete--” We both start at the same time, but Pete chooses to round on Lex, his fists flying about his head, as if he could smack the right words out of the air.
“You-- I can’t believe--” Suddenly that accusing glare is on me. “How could you-- When you know how I--”
When I know how he feels about Luthors. Jeez, Pete. It’s not about you. I tried to make you see how Lex is different, but you never could understand that--
“Clark.” Lex’s voice is calm and solid even now, and his body language as he casually pulls his discarded pants on is infuriatingly undaunted. “For god’s sake, wipe the whipped cream off your chest before you give the boy a coronary.”
Now is the point, if there really was a God, where I would die. Unfortunately fate is even crueller than I ever imagined and my heart continues to beat and I remain alive and in this room with Pete still staring at me like I’ve just run over his cat. Or slept with his worst enemy. …I wonder if Lex knows he has a nemesis?
I grab my shirt off the floor and clean my chest with it whilst Lex just stands there, waiting for Pete to regain the ability to speak.
“You! What is it with you Luthors and taking what belongs to other people?”
“…Excuse me?” Lex finally seems to falter, and I’d feel a little better about it, if I could just work out where Pete was going with this.
“Your dad takes my dad’s factory and you take--” Pete bites off the rest of that, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this angry. “Why’d you have to do it, huh? What is it with you?”
Lex doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t look away. He has this expression on his face, like he’s working through what Pete is saying. Or not saying. I hate being the only one not to know what’s going on.
Man. I’ve got to try and fix this.
“Pete, I know this must come as a shock to you. Believe me, this is not how I’d have wanted you to find out. I mean, I know how you feel about…Lex’s family, and I know it must be shocking to find out that I’m…you know…with a guy, but--”
“For god-- Clark! That’s not the point! Okay, yeah, you’re gay--”
“I’m not gay! I’m just--”
“Clark, you’re gay, okay? And, sure, your taste is just…” Pete trails off with a disdainful look in Lex’s direction.
“Hey.” Lex’s face darkens and I reach for his arm. Pete shoots me a look and I stop.
“What I just can’t believe is that you’d-- with him, when, all this time, you knew how I felt about…things.”
My head hurts. It feels like we’re having two conversations here. And it annoys me that, judging by the slight tilt of Lex’s head, he seems to have worked it out already and is just waiting for me to get it.
“I know how you feel about the Luthors--” I’m the very definition of a broken record, but I can’t think of anything else that fits.
“About you, Clark.” Lex cuts in gently, and now Pete is the one who looks embarrassed.
“Uh, what?” I turn to Lex, because he seems to be the only one in this room who is willing to explain. Pete keeps eyeing the door like he’s contemplating a quick getaway.
There is a tense silence, which consists of nothing more than me looking at Lex and Lex looking at Pete and Pete looking like he would like nothing better than to spontaneously combust to avoid this scrutiny.
“Jeez, Clark, get a clue!” He finally spins around to glare at me, and I’m not sure I like the way I suddenly feel incredibly guilty without anything to feel guilty about. I mean, nothing new. “Even you aren’t this dense!”
I’d be offended if the confusion wasn’t taking up so much space in my head right now.
“You can’t honestly stand there and tell me you never noticed…” Pete’s eyes are pinched closed.
“Noticed what?”
“Oh, nothing. Only that I’ve had the biggest fucking crush on you since fucking seventh grade!”
“…Noticed what?” I try again, because obviously my mind is playing tricks on me.
“All this time and you never throw me a bone--”
I don’t need to move my eyes from Pete to know that Lex is snickering, and I elbow him in the ribs quickly, never taking my attention off of the wildly pacing bundle of anger and frustration before me.
“--and I thought, hey, it’s okay. Clark’s straight. I can respect that. But then he comes along and suddenly it’s like-- suddenly Mr Straight As An Arrow is ready to throw down the heterosexual torch and switch teams and-- it's not even to my team!”
“Pete, I’m…”
I’m what? Sorry? How can I be sorry? At what point over the past few years of hearing my friend talk incessantly about which girl in school is the hottest that week was I supposed to work out that “You wanna play some ball?” actually meant “I like you, Clark”?
“Look, man. Just forget it.” Pete shakes his head and does the most gruesome imitation of a smile I’ve ever seen as he starts to back away. “It’s not important. We can’t pick who we…you know? I won’t tell anyone what you get up to in your loft when your parents are out, and you won’t tell anyone about…me. It all works out in the end.”
“My god, we really are in Kansas.” Lex’s smug-sounding voice is probably the one thing that could stop Pete’s dejected retreat.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Luthor?”
“Sometimes I truly despair of this repressed behaviour that everyone in Smallville seems to have been instilled with as a child and now seem to believe to be a perfectly acceptable way to live.”
“And how would a big city man like yourself handle this situation, then?” Pete all but snarls at Lex and I think I’ll enjoy suddenly being pushed into the background for as long as it lasts. “What would be the ‘acceptable’ way to deal with this in Metropolis?”
“Well, each situation differs slightly, of course. But, in this case, I think a threesome would probably be in order.”
My jaw drops and Pete is choking on air. Lex is smiling, and it’s a smile I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.
“A three-- a thr--” Pete wheezes.
“It’s not for everyone, of course, and, ultimately, it is down to yourself and Clark. I just thought I would take this opportunity to state that I am not against the idea, if Clark is willing.”
“Lex! I’ve-- we've--”
“I’m sure I would’ve introduced the idea sooner or later, Clark. As far as my plans for you go, this is one of the tamer ones.”
“R-really? I thought we were already pretty, you know,” My face is red hot again. So is my dick. Or maybe it never really did calm down. “Kinky.”
“That’s sweet, Clark.” Lex runs a hand over my cheek, looking at me like I’m the virgin sacrifice to his beast, and what exactly does that make Pete?
Speaking of Pete, he’s looking at me with wide eyes and a slack mouth and, really, he has such a nice face. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. Well, okay, it’s completely insane. A terrible idea. One which could have consequences that threaten to change our relationship forever. And not for the better.
But he’s looking at me like…like he wants to dismiss this as one of Lex’s perversions, but really wants me to get there first. I think he’d go along with pretty much anything I’d say right now. Well, holy crap. Is this how I look at Lex? No wonder he gets off on those little power trips in bed. It’s a pretty great feeling.
“I’m, uh, up for it. If you are.” I shrug at Pete. That’s right, Clark. Indifference. Confidence. What it’s all about.
Pete swallows.
“I’m, uh, up for it,” he replies.
Lex snorts softly.
“We can see that.”
Pete’s even hotter in the face than I am. Lex wraps his arm around my shoulders and nudges me until I take the hint and extend my own arm in invitation.
“I hate you.” Pete states, categorically, as he walks over to me, never taking his eyes off of Lex.
“I’m not overly fond of you, myself.” Lex replies coolly, even as his free hand drifts down my bare stomach to tease at a nipple that still has a trace of cream on it.
Pete’s shoulder bumps against mine and we’re finally touching. He’s shaking, but that’s okay. Because something big is happening here, and I’m not sure a meteor-related excuse is going to help the awkward morning after scene to follow. Then again, I remember trembling just like he is the first time I was with Lex. And that turned out okay.
I lean in slightly, allowing Pete time to get the hint that I’m asking for a kiss. He finally catches on and swallows thickly before leaning to meet me halfway.
“Shit.” He says, and turns his head so my lips land on his ear.
“What?” Lex and I both ask at the same time.
“Chloe’s going to know.” Pete speaks against my neck and I can’t help but blanch at that thought.
“Oh, man. You’re right.”
It’ll be just like that time when she took one look at our red faces and informed us that if we kept trying to peek into the girl’s locker room, she wouldn’t be held responsible for the fate that would befall us.
“She’ll probably want to join in.”
“She does hate to be left out of the loop.” I agree.
Both Pete and I turn to look at a frowning Lex, and I can tell the urge to groan is almost too much for him to control.
“This club is becoming less exclusive by the minute.”